Aries (21 March to 20 April)
The saying ‘money talks, bullshit walks’ will apply to you this month, Aries. Peeps are sick of seeing your head disappear up your arse every time you open your gob, so you give them your word and mean it, when airhead Mercury teams with sensible Saturn on 17 October. This transit highlights how important reliability is in relationships. The Full Moon in your sign on 12 October shifts the focus away from you and onto others. Selfish individualism maybe fashionable in the way nude planking and gluten-free cupcakes are, but it’s also one of the most unattractive human qualities. Show the world that you are more than a walking-talking Versace advert by being of service to others.
Compatible with: Leo, Sagittarius
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Venus in your relationship zone between 10 October and 3 November brings out your unbearably embarrassing horny side. This planet is about attraction, so now is a good time to get your lips pierced and your eyebrows professionally shaped Count Dracula style. Mercury triggers your relationship sector from 14 October, making communication with your hot-other-half painless. Taking time to talk about your private parts helps deepen the bond between you. The New Moon in your relationship sector on 27 October asks you to probe the depths of your soul and face your fears, that is, confront that sordid zine dude who sleazes around the swap meets you frequent, to going drinking schooners of blood together.
Compatible with: Virgo, Capricorn
Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Gemini, this month you crave spiritual connection, especially between 24 and 31 October. You tire of listening to Yanni Live at the Acropolis on constant rotation, so you make plans to go to the real Acropolis for some divine Hellenic intervention and dolma. You just can’t get a decent plate of stuffed vine leaves back home. Responsibility to children surfaces between 14 and 17 October, when you are conned into reading Where’s Wally to a group of snotty-faced school kids at your local library, wishing that you were where Wally is, wherever that is.
Compatible with: Libra, Aquarius
Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
The period between 24 October and 22 November is your most creative this year, Cancer. You will drum up the confidence to seek bolder avenues to promote those scratch ‘n’ sniff boards you’ve been working on. Forgo the one that stinks of Parmesan cheese; it really does reek of vomit. Mercury in your fifth house from 14 October helps liven up your serious side and gets you living from the heart in a puerile, pubescent way. This month, discard the working drone persona and believe in the power of playtime.
Compatible with: Scorpio, Pisces
Leo (21 July to 21 August)
The Sun in your home sector from 24 October sees you getting creative with the rented premises you share with other boneheads. Splurge on some fluro light bulbs and grind them into the fibro walls in cosmic patterns just for the hell of it. Venus in this sector of the chart helps you adopt a compromising attitude towards domestic concerns, making your commitment to a dishwashing roster rather enjoyable. Mercury triggers this space from 14 October, prompting the Mrs Nick Cave obsession of rearranging furniture to make the most of physical space. Yes folks, you read it here first: the Bad Seed is married to a flake.
Compatible with: Sagittarius, Aries
Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Mercury in your third house of communication from 14 October will bring you a fertile zine-making phase. You will be at your most productive in a DIY sense at this time. This is exacerbated by the New Moon in Scorpio on 27 October. Under this transit, you will create the first silent-but-deadly zine, where your penetrating thoughts and ideas on sex, death, and the occult are communicated without writing anything down. This makes many Scorpio zinesters jealous. This month sees Virgo enjoying talents that our scorpion friends think are theirs by divine right. What tossers.
Compatible with: Capricorn, Taurus
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
If there is one thing that Librans love more than themselves in this life, it’s the moooooolah baby. This month sees your financial fetish soaring to the next level when Venus, Mercury and the Sun occupy your cash sector between 10 October and 22 November. Mercury’s influence throughout October helps you swindle your Centrelink interview in a notable fashion worthy of an Academy Award. The New Moon of 27 October is a great time to quit bludging and get a job pushing paper, coz that’s a goddamn meaningful and productive way to spend your days, yeah!
Compatible with: Aquarius, Gemini
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
This month sees the continuation of the love theme that has flavoured most of 2011 for you sexy Scorpio fiends. Jupiter trines Pluto on 24 October, helping you grow and transform like a pus-filled abscess on your arse. You make romantic relationship choices based on your deepest beliefs, which are depraved and illegal, and will probably get you arrested before the year is out. Nevertheless, you see the glass half full in relation to love this month, which is a refreshing change from your usual bitchy, bleating, boring self.
Compatible with: Pisces, Cancer
Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Key dates for socialising Sagittarians this month are 14 and 17 October, so get your gold lame straight jacket dry-cleaned and ready for events occurring on or around these dates. It will make the cops’ job more efficient when they’re ramming your booze-filled carcass into the back of the paddy wagon. Devote some time to exploring the mysteries of life this month. Mercury in your spirituality zone from 14 October has you yearning for new age books with titles like Receive the Divine by Closing Your Legs and Opening Your Third Eye, although I’m sure that bestseller has been out of print for some time.
Compatible with: Aries, Leo
Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Capricorn, you will be at your most social this month, when Venus, Mercury and the Sun trigger your friendship sector. Loyalty is one of the most important qualities you look for in friends. You prefer a small, close group of peeps with whom you stay in touch with over the course of your life, as opposed to superficially collecting Facebook friends who clog your news feed with updates of when and where they farted, and how it made it to News of the World despite the phone hacking scandal. You develop a deep curiosity about your mates’ lives under Mercury’s influence from 14 October. Your friends appreciate your interest, but you are just playing the dutiful, reliable Sea Goat with a bit of inquisitiveness thrown in.
Compatible with: Taurus, Virgo
Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
October is a quiet month, cosmically, for most Aquarians. This puts a dent in your social calendar, as most Water Bearers need to be where the action is. You will have to wait until the end of the month for any significant astrological encounters to occur. The New Moon in your public sector on 27 October has your wide-angle-lens-butt back on the cover of Hollywood Celebrity Bogans magazine, which infuriates Bum Queen, Kim Kardashian, and her Scorpio-control-freak-of-a-mother, Kris Jenner, but them’s the breaks, kiddo.
Compatible with: Gemini, Libra
Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Pisces, get ready for action this month. Your most adventurous period this year runs from 14 October to 24 November when Mercury, Venus, and the Sun energise your travel sector. You crave meaningful experiences under this transit, and end up on a rooftop on the Rooftop of the World - Tibet. The view is more impressive than the one of the footy oval from your Aunt Beryl’s on-suite bathroom in Wangaratta, and that’s saying something. Mercury helps you broaden your mind this month; you acquire concrete evidence of how wonderful, diverse, complex, and tragic the world really is. It beats going to Budgewoi for your Christmas holidays.
Compatible with: Cancer, Scorpio