Aries (21 March to 20 April)
The best gift you will receive on 25 December is the New Moon in Capricorn in your career sector. Why is this pressie so great? Because it signals a dynamic six months of plundering and backstabbing your way to the fairy-tale job you covet. With Pluto thrown into the New Moon mix, you accomplish this feat with the morals and finesse of the Boston Strangler gone to Hell twice over. Before you get over-zealous about the immediate future, remember that great wisdom comes from recognising when it’s time to pause and step back. Even celestial warriors have to stand still occasionally. Go on … have a break, have a Kit-Kat.
Aries Christmas gifts: hand grenade, slingshot, hunting spear
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Forget Christmas, professional goals are the focus from 21 December for you stubborn Bulls. Venus and Pluto join on 2 December and your desire to be in control ruins the festive mood when you demand honesty from others in an intense and revealing game of Truth or Dare at the office Christmas party. Your work colleagues are pissed off that they didn’t play Celebrity Head, and you are blacklisted from attending future social events. Don’t worry, Pluto blesses you with power and you have a mental breakthrough on 2 December, which materialises into a mental breakdown when you realise that there are only twenty-three shopping days left until Christmas.
Taurus Christmas gifts: fire oven, Egyptian cotton, Italian table wine
Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
Gemini, this month your relationships need reworking under Mercury, which has been retrograde since November. Do this quickly if you want loads of Christmas presents this year. Pluto triggers your shared money zone on 2 and 31 December. Make the most of whatever assets are available to you, and I don’t mean your callisthenic thighs and ripped torso. The Full Moon eclipse in your sign on 11 December brings high and low tides in the emotional realm. It’s only now that peeps believe that you really are two people in one body. You drop the social conditioning and go with what you trust in your heart. Your legendary flirty behaviour sees you sitting on Santa’s lap more than once this silly season.
Gemini Christmas gifts: iPhone, iPad, iGossip
Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Mercury retrogrades until 14 December causing chaos and asking the big questions of who, what, where, why, and how is Christmas gonna happen this year. Mind you, these crucial questions arise every year at the same time, so you should already have a disaster management plan drafted. Pluto continues his extended visit through your partnership zone. Themes of truth, honesty, and passion in relationships arise on 2 and 31 December, so be prepared to find some extra goodies in your Christmas stocking.
Cancer Christmas gifts: DIY kit home, handcrafted photo album, vintage twin set
Leo (21 July to 21 August)
Leo, this month the focus will be on the post-Christmas period. The Sun and Pluto join on 31 December to remind you what an unattractive gluttonous yob you were during the festive season, and that now is the time to get obsessive about health issues. Thankfully, transformations are possible under this transit, and you will be successful in shedding that 90s Rosanne Barr look when you fulfil your New Year’s resolution of starting the Weight Watchers Pro-Points Plan and sticking to it.
Leo Christmas gifts: wall mirrors, diamante tiara, French perfume
Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
The celestial organising guru that is Mercury helps you plan Christmas day at your place this year for one thousand and twelve of your closest friends and relo’s. You will need your ruling planet’s proficiency in preparing the two hundred and thirty-eight course dinner you’re going to murder under extreme anxiety and a couple of packs of Xanax. How else does a Virgo function? Learn to be patient under this transit, as the turkey won’t be the only thing that’s stuffed on 25 December.
Virgo Christmas gifts: Moleskine diary/planner, clothing starch, well-crafted zines
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
In true Libran harmony, you will create ‘togetherness’ with friends and family this month. You will broker a peace treaty in order for everyone get along, even if it kills them. Pluto transits your sector of domestic desires until 21 December, when you lust after that new Nigella Lawson Flameware Buffet that gets you hot and bothered under the apron. Expect to receive motorised kitchen gadgets as gifts this Christmas, which you use in bold and innovative ways.
Libra Christmas gifts: Moet & Chandon Brut, Cubist art, Bauhaus furniture
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
Peeps shouldn’t expect gifts from you tight-arse Scorpions this month, when Mercury takes a backward spin with your money until mid-December. The world can always count on a sneering Scorpio stooge to ruin Christmas. This year is no exception. Expect to spend 25 December under your favourite rock with a couple of gnats and armpit bacteria for company. Sounds promising.
Scorpio Christmas gifts: leather cat suit, fishnet stockings, studded dog collar
Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
It may be asking the impossible, but shopaholic Sagittarians need to control their spending during the post-Christmas sales at Corporate Scum department stores as of 31 December. Keep your dosh in your pocket; you will need it to see in the New Year, when too much Jatz ’n’ Carona is barely enough. Mercury retrogrades in your sign until mid-December, so be wary of maddening the Scrooges with your jovial Jupiter cheer. Not everyone is up for a day of eating trillions of mince pies with honey-glazed ham, and receiving Danoz Direct merchandise as presents, although that kinda thing may appeal to Bert Newton.
Sagittarius Christmas gifts: Harley-Davidson Softail, round-the-world ticket, denim
Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
This month sees you Goats racing to Coles for John Frieda hair products to compliment the ‘love yourself, you’re worth it’ transit which ends on 21 December. You end up looking like a Garnier hair ad, which contradicts your ‘go natural’ health and beauty philosophy. Mercury triggers your spirituality zone throughout December, prompting you to yodel Yuletide carols in a Celtic dialect not used since the coronation of Robert the Bruce. Peeps believe that you’re going mad, but that only happens under a Moon-Uranus transit.
Capricorn Christmas gifts: cash, cash, and more cash
Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
The social back flip Mercury took recently reaches great heights this month and crash lands into your Ego on 14 December. This race to the bottom propels you to rethink how you can be a better friend to others. Baking a few trays of Christmas rum balls with brandy butter is a good start. Venus visits your spiritual sector until 21 December, and you devote an altar of patchouli soy candles and sandalwood joss sticks in your living space to the most divine entity in your Universe: you.
Aquarius Christmas gifts: home laboratory kit, periodic table, music by John Cage
Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Mellow Pisces, just when you thought you could chill through the end-of-year holidays, Mercury decides to spend time in your career zone until the first week of January 2012. You’ll be one of those losers working on Christmas eve, while the great unwashed get smashed and start brawling in a pub somewhere in The Rocks. Venus visits your sector of groups until 21 December, generating compassion towards the marginalised who will be spending Christmas alone. You end up volunteering at the Wayside Chapel soup kitchen, avoiding your boorish bourgeois family on the most stressful day of the year. It’s like the Age of Pisces all over again.
Pisces Christmas gifts: Kava, tropical fish, hemp sandals