Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Aries, you will be relieved to know that vague
Neptune exits your social sector on 3 February, ending a fourteen-year cycle of confusion as to which cool ‘n’ pretentious scene you should latch onto. Finally, you recognise the shallowness of the cliques that you have desperately tried to break into. Mercury energises this sector until mid-February, generating friendships with peeps who have minds rather than hair designs and eyebrow piercings.
Aries birthstone: Bloodstone
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
Taurus, this month you will make unconventional romantic choices when Venus and Uranus join on 2 February. You successfully woo that blow up doll you had your eye on. Neptune enters your friendship sector and stays there for fourteen years. You will pick up where Aries left off, and try to break into those goddamn uber-cool cliques in your Rats Leggings and Mimcos.
Taurus birthstone: Lapis Lazuli
Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
The Sun and Mercury energise your travel sector until 19 February. You follow the zine trail of the Pacific Northwest and see a few leftover grunge bands hanging on by the sleeve of their flannel shirts. Mercury inspires you to learn the sacred language of DIY. You confidently master linguistic jewels such as ‘max swing action’ and ‘one-finger technology’ which get you arrested in Seattle, thanks to an offended canteen worker who misread you as being odd ‘n’ sordid. Avoid long arm staplers if you want to stay out of gaol.
Gemini birthstone: Agate
Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
From 3 February, you will morph into a wandering sage and begin a fourteen-year cycle of psychic travel that involves tours of Jim Morrison’s mind. Put your Wayfarers on; I hear it’s kaleidoscopic in there. You yearn to explore destinations in other realms when Neptune enters your ninth house on 3 February. The Sun and Mercury join Neptune between 14 February and 20 March, and you send telepathic postcards from a hippy commune on the Higher Ground. Planet Earth is impressed.
Cancer birthstone: Moonstone
Leo (21 July to 21 August)
From 19 February, the Sun and Neptune compel you to read Random Acts of Kindness, compelling you to perform random acts of kindness. Neptune leaves your relationship sector on 3 February, taking the velvet fog pants with him. The past fourteen years of delusional romantic encounters end this month. You can no longer live comfortably with bad taste, and are relieved to see those pants evaporate.
Leo birthstone: Peridot
Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
Virgo, this month you get an extended visit from Mars to your sign, which is rare in the cosmic world. You streamline your life more than is humanly possible by flogging your old Kajagoogoo cassette tapes on eBay.
Neptune settles into your relationship sector on 3 February. The spiritual side of relating takes precedence over mundane details such as whether your partner has Michael Bolton albums stashed in their record collection. The classic love ballad Said I Loved You But I Lied will whirl around in your head on 14 and 19 February when you experience relationship phantasmagoria. Pretentious word, eh?
Virgo birthstone: Sapphire
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
The Sun and Mercury energise your fifth house of creativity until 19 February. This is great news for arty Libra, as nothing gets you going like a good deep-etch every now and then. The Sun gives you confidence to express yourself creatively. Mercury arouses your curiosity about the arts and you go into overdrive researching the Great Masters with unpronounceable names like Ghirlandaio.
Libra birthstone: Tourmaline
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
A new era of expressing yourself creatively using the zine format begins on 3 February, when
Neptune enters your fifth house. You let it rip with the Romalang 17, deranged ideas, and dodgy artwork. Producing DIY to a Kenny G playlist unleashes your artistic urges in debased ways. Seek therapy urgently.
Scorpio birthstone: Opal
Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Neptune enters your domestic sector on 3 February, commencing the drawn-out phase of lounging around the house drinking James Boag. ‘Who’s James Boag?’ you ask. Beats me. Retrograde Mars delays career plans. Sagittarians are big picture guys, and this transit forces you look at the fine detail of work. Dead boring for a Centaur, I know, but it will ensure career satisfaction in the second half of the year or your money back.
Sagittarius birthstone: Topaz
Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Capricorns will be in their element this month when the Sun and Mercury energise your money sector until 19 February. Organise your assets before this date (and I don’t mean readjust your wedding tackle, although that may help) and you will be ready to face any money disputes that crop up throughout the year. This is rather dull information for the rest of the zodiac, but we all know how you Goats love your cash-porn.
Capricorn birthstone: Garnet
Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
The Full Moon in Leo on 8 February will send you a mentor to help shape the leader that you are under that multi-zip jacket. If you feel passionate about issues such as Ban the Whale, Save the Bomb, or Kill a Yuppie, the Universe will support you in creating change for a better world where no one dressed in business wear stands a chance at natural selection. This alone will reverse climate change.
Aquarius birthstone: Amethyst
Aquarius birthstone: Amethyst
Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
Communication planet Mercury weaves in and out of your sign from February until April. Expect a few months of talking gibberish before you stop making sense altogether. Mars retrogrades in your relationship sector. You will have to wait until Easter to get laid, and even then, it’s only eggs. At least they’re made of chocolate.
Pisces birthstone: Aquamarine