Thursday, November 1, 2012

Astro Shite for November 2012

Aries (21 March to 20 April)
You can achieve a lot professionally when Pluto and Mars merge on 17 November, propelling you to express your energy in a focused but overbearing manner. Like those crazy eurodance dudes Snap! you got the power and you ain’t afraid to use it. You spin the peeps right round on 28 November with your determination to win. Travel warnings come courtesy of the Mercury retrograde between 4 and 14 November and Channel Nine’s Tracy Grimshaw, who forewarns that any area outside Sydney’s North Shore is a war zone occupied by plebs with venereal warts.
Aries astrologer extraordinaire: Alan Oken (USA)
Taurus (21 April to 20 May)
The first in a series of relationship eclipses occurs on 14 November. Enhance your prospects for getting laid by mooning during the New Moon-North Node eclipse. Lovers will have a significant impact on your life direction, so avoid the paramours on the road to Humpybong. Venus and Saturn link on 27 November. Grow up and learn to make lasting relationship commitments. Mars aligns with Pluto on 28 November, making your travel dreams to Yorkeys Knob a reality.
Taurus astrologer extraordinaire: John Frawley (UK)

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)
With Mars in your money sector from 17 November, you’re in a position to tackle arrears without the assistance of Debt Relief. Speaking of your rear, take charge of where you invest your cash on 28 November when Mars aligns with Pluto. The Full Moon eclipse in your sign on 29 November brings out your curious side. Satisfy the cravings of your mind by reading some quality zines to unravel the mystery of the Bogan Prince, although I hear that he’s more of a dick than a prince.
Gemini astrologer extraordinaire: Jim Lewis (USA/Australia)

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)
Mars joins Pluto in your love house from 17 November, arousing the unspoken desire to play Michael Buble downloads while cooking penne pasta with red wine for two. This transit makes you brave ‘n’ bold about honouring your physical needs and asking others to meet them. Your romantic life takes on maximum intensity like Hermes’ ice-cream manwich, fortifying your reputation as the zodiac’s Caramel Rough Nut between the sheets.
Cancer astrologer extraordinaire: Ed Tamplin (Australia)

Leo (21 July to 21 August)
New domestic arrangements come together on 14 November, when the vegan from Uki finally moves on, leaving his body odour in the second bedroom as a memento. Mercury moves backwards in your creativity sector between 4 and 14 November. Expect misunderstandings to arise regarding your fagcore-inspired Casio Learning Keyboard compositions. Be patient, as peeps will eventually ‘get’ your ‘art’ once Mercury moves forward later in the month.
Leo astrologer extraordinaire: Gregory Clare (Australia)

Virgo (22 August to 22 September)
The Full Moon eclipse on 29 November triggers your aspirational careerist side, only to be interrupted by the Mars-Pluto transit in your creativity sector. Playtime comes first under this phase. Devastating news for a Virgo, I know, but the Gods will not allow you to be dreary this month. That’s Kevin Rudd’s gig. Concentrate on activities that involve joining the human race like tequila worm tasting or composting toilets, preferably at the same time.
Virgo astrologer extraordinaire: Liz Greene (UK/Switzerland)

Libra (23 September to 23 October)
Mars and Pluto transit your domestic sector from 17 November. If you’ve outgrown your current home environment, the Universe provides you with new living arrangements without trawling through in your lunch hour. Under Mars, you take on the role of ‘The Boss’ in your household. The defining moment occurs on 28 November when your housemates protest and declare that the only ‘Boss’ they listen to is Bruce Springsteen.
Libra astrologer extraordinaire: Stephen Arroyo (USA)

Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
The New Moon eclipse aligning with the Node Node hurls you into the future from 14 November. Expect the Universe to drop appropriate events, experiences, and people into your life to shift you forward. Mercury retrogrades through your money house between 4 and 14 November to cook the books with gas and oil, before moving into your sign. Venus joins the all-star line-up in Scorpio on 23 November, activating a formidable dynamism that provides cosmic turbo diesel like a Mitsubishi Pajero. It may all be in a day's work for the eighth sign of the zodiac, but really, how much can a Grizzly Bear?
Scorpio astrologer extraordinaire: Bil Tierney (USA)

Sagittarius (23 November to 22 December)
Mars and Pluto merge in your cash zone from 17 November, providing motivation to get on top of your money or someone with money. The phrase screwing them for all they’re worth takes on new meaning under this transit. The lunar eclipse energises your relationship sector on 29 November. This will be a time of soaring emotions and Kafkaesque-type drama, so be sure to capture it on YouTube. As the Full Moon aligns with Jupiter, your chances of getting it on with some desperate soul are heightened, so ditch the overrun monobrow. Venus and Saturn indicate that this could be lasting love, but not as lasting as laser hair removal.
Sagittarius astrologer extraordinaire: Robert Hand (USA)

Capricorn (23 December to 20 January)
Mars enters your sign on 18 November, marking a phase of growth and achievement. You will be at the peak of your power when Mars and Pluto align on 28 November. You exercise strong self-control as you confidently take calculated risks to shape the life you want. Expect to be in demand at parties and barbeques thrown on or around 14 November, where your RoboCop thighs of steel are well equipped to crack open walnut shells and tins of cocktail weenies.
Capricorn astrologer extraordinaire: Noel Jan Tyl (USA)

Aquarius (21 January to 17 February)
You could be sensitive about friendship issues during the eclipse on 28 November. Gossip and rumours circulate at this time, so be mindful of your words and actions. Mars joins Pluto in your spirituality sector from 17 November. A two-year cycle of action and progress is ending. Your physical energy drops. Recharge by connecting directly with the natural world instead of slouching naked in front of the computer.
Aquarius astrologer extraordinaire: Sue Tompkins (UK)

Pisces (18 February to 20 March)
The New Moon eclipse on 14 November heralds the start of a new cycle in your travel zone, supported by the transits of Mercury and Venus. You become restless and dissatisfied with regular routines. Participate in activities that expand your mind and free your spirit, such as extreme ironing and Base Warehouse jumping. Your buried leadership skills shine under a Mars transit from 17 November. Honesty issues surrounding friendship arise on 28 November. Secrets are exposed, helping you see the truth about those so-called friends.
Pisces astrologer extraordinaire: Nicholas Campion (UK)