You’ll have truckloads of sexual energy to carry you through the holiday season when Mars enters your love zone on 8 December. Engaging in unconscious sex is an Aries trait, so be mindful of your partner’s feelings during horizontal line dancing, unless you’re shagging your favourite tomato – you! You’re compelled to argue with Aunt Agnes over a dodgy batch of mince pies on Christmas day. Avoid the tendency to jump into squabbles without first appreciating the effort that goes into making festive puddings from scratch, douche bag.
Aries Yuletide gift: tattoo gun kit
The coming holiday period sparks your passion for overseas adventure. With Venus retrograding in your travel sector from 22 December, you’ll spend the end of the month dreaming of exotic squeezes called Katut, and make detailed travel arrangements to coalesce in a foreign land that’s a long way from Wiley Park. Be wary of a propensity to be distressed by your Christmas presents this year, as disappointment can keep you from enjoying those elasticised Happy Socks.
Taurus Yuletide gift: mounted sand scoop and spreader
The Gemini Full Moon on 16 December arouses your inclination for gossip, which has you blacklisted from attending the cool parties grunting on the scene at the moment. Damn. This Christmas, the Universe reminds you that hearsay needs to be balanced with fact, knowledge balanced with belief, and tuna balanced with mayo. The eclipse signals a change of job, residency, or underwear for many Twins. Oooooooh, spooky …
Gemini Yuletide gift: Boggle
The Venus retrograde motion in your love zone from 22 December has you re-evaluating your existing romantic relationship. Mercury’s Christmas day transit asks whether you can endure another year with that dipshit whose aftershave expenditure exceeds third world debt. If you answer ‘Eight is Enough’ then the winged messenger will give you the strength to voice what isn’t working in your life; a necessary first step in telling the tosser to f@#k off and find a personality.
Cancer Yuletide gift: House In A Box
Favourable links from Mercury to your Sun between 6 and 24 December increases your confidence in planning a swell Christmas shindig at your cubicle this year. The Lion loves an audience, and this transit ensures that you’ll be the star attraction while elbow deep in turkey stuffing and cranberry sauce. Expect to receive expensive gifts from diehard fans, but avoid caving in to external pressure between 24 and 27 December, when you feel obligated to catch up with annoying relatives like Uncle Fester and Cousin Itt. What killjoys.
Leo Yuletide gift: Revlon’s Love That Red lipstick
Your creative peak will hit on 30 December, thanks to an intense Pluto transit. Any DIY output during this time will have a concentrated edge; a touch too much for the festive season it seems. Allow yourself plenty of free time and space over the holiday period to surrender completely to creative expression. Be strong and avoid the David Jones post-Christmas sales in favour of developing your higher self.
Virgo Yuletide gift: Officeworks gift voucher
Reflect on a certain issue before taking action when Mars moves into your sign on 8 December. Decisiveness may not be your strong point now, but eventually you’ll ask Santa to send you a pair of Manolo Blahnik open toe booties rather than Louboutin pumps. Nice choice. With Venus embarking on a retrograde motion in your domestic sector from 22 December, this is the season for procrastination, which I hear makes your palms go hairy. Or blind. Or something.
Libra Yuletide gift: Moroccan Boucherouite rug
You’ll be a popular dude this Christmas, thanks to the New Moon’s influence in your money zone on 3 December. This is a rare opportunity to enjoy a new type of financial freedom, so take a break from your usual tight-arse behaviour and splurge on loved ones for a change. An annoying seventh house node demands that you put yourself in your neighbour’s shoes and nick off with them. You just can’t find woven espadrilles of that quality in this town, mate.
Scorpio Yuletide gift: butt plug
The New Moon in your sign on 3 December highlights adventure in a swashbuckling Long John Silver kinda way. If the routine of life is deadening to the point of oblivion, this lunation inspires action. Any activity that recharges your spirit, like jumping out of fast moving vehicles into peak-hour traffic, is ideal now. Lightning bolt Uranus brings second chances for events that failed to manifest in early August. You look at the big picture between 6 and 24 December and realise that your ideas are like Broken Hill – heaving with holes.
Sagittarius Yuletide gift: flying trapeze workshop
Mercury enters your sign on Christmas day. This puts you in a positive frame of mind so that you can enjoy a traditional Christmas with loved ones without the usual cardio arrests. Venus moves backwards from 22 December, compelling you to overhaul your tired image of beige pants/beige cardi/beige personality, and celebrate an electrifying new look of taffeta balloon pants teemed with a Glomesh batwing top. You are mistaken for a Christmas tree, which makes a refreshing change from being mistaken for Paul Keating.
Capricorn Yuletide gift: stocks and shares
Celebrations are well underway for the Water Bearer this month. Unleash the inner-party animal under the New Moon on 3 December. Let the world know that you mean business by guzzling a crate of Pilsner (or ten) while slam dancing to Slipknot. Despite the agonising displays of physical gratification, a spiritual reassessment is your gift from the Gods this Christmas. I know; it isn’t as much fun as receiving a barbeque apron with fake tits, but the Ancient Wisdoms can help reveal your authentic self for what it’s worth.
Aquarius Yuletide gift: LEGO Batman headlamp
The period December 2013/January 2014 is a perfect time to close unfinished business between you and a significant other. As 2013 ends, you’ll review your social and community obligations. Ensure that your precious time and energy are poured into the activities that matter to you. And have a Merry Christmas!
Pisces Yuletide gift: magic mushrooms