Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Astro Shite for April 2014

The much talked-about (by me) Cardinal Grand Cross peaks on 23 April. Your quest to take on and complete various projects fails, thanks to being pulled in four directions (and not in a sexual way, I might add). This transit teaches you that multi-tasking is severely over-rated. Do the unthinkable: choose one task and complete it. What?! The period between 5 April and 3 May is one of your most spiritual. Escape the daily grind by grinding fair trade coffee beans in the Byron Bay Hinterland while loosely draped in cheesecloth. Mercury enters Aries on 7 April, awkwardly coinciding with the Section 18C amendment. Say no more.
Aries superfoods: onions, tomatoes, chilli

Mercury enters your sign on 23 April followed by the New Moon in Taurus on 28 April. These cycles set the scene for slow and steady movement. Savour the moments and be grateful for them. Revitalise a stagnant undertaking, like that failed two-minute noodle perm, under the Mercury-Jupiter-Pluto connection, and watch it spring to life. Expect unexpected down time around 2 April, as Uranus activates your house of retreat and lowers your blood pressure in one fell swoop.
Taurus superfoods: beans, peas, carrots

Venus’ affirmative energy helps you shift old zine stock and provides inspiration to create fresh DIY masterworks. You’ll be in a gregarious mood until 23 April. Your social experiences get (even more) twisted and unpredictable between 2 and 14 April, crashing Instagram with your snapshots of alternative uses for dental floss. Eeeek! You’ll have time to reflect on your dickhead actions at the end of the month when you’re ostracized by the Gods to the house of prisons, hospitals, and mental asylums out of embarrassment.
Gemini superfoods: asparagus, sprouts, mushrooms

The Sun, Mercury, and Venus highlight work issues on 2 April. Your slippery boss may have wet dreams of replacing you and the rest of the staff with androids while he organises his trip to Tahiti, but fortunately, Venus steps in to steer you in the direction of teaching, writing, and some healthy zine-making activity. Yay! The New Moon in your social sector on 28 April gives you the green light to expand your network by moving in creative circles.
Cancer superfoods: fish, lettuce, parsley

Uranus generates restlessness from 2 April, urging you to stowaway on a ferryboat to see where it takes you: terminus #8 at Circular Quay, I presume. Experiment with unconventional philosophies such as Compatibilism and Cannibalism, but watch your cholesterol level. The Sun, Mercury, and Venus combine in your professional zone to help you make your mark with that inevitable Leo stamp - lipstick. Nobody can pucker a pout for success the way a Lion can.
Leo superfoods: eggs, raisins, lentils

Your most romantic period begins on 5 April. You’ll radiate desirability in an office administrator kinda way. Comprises are negotiated and others are content to meet you halfway in the open-plan office behind the stationery cupboard. You get an extra dose of lovin’ on 12 April when Neptune joins in. Fine wine, scented candles, and that tin of Catholic biscuits reserved for the executive department help set the scene for a special rendezvous. Late April is an excellent time to broaden your world by activating the right side of the brain with wanky-arty pursuits.
Virgo superfoods: beetroot, figs, almonds

The Full Moon in your sign combined with the Cardinal Grand Cross adds tension to a nagging issue. This is not the time to sweep your dirty laundry under the carpet or to air the two birds in your bush. In fact, this cycle asks that you avoid idioms altogether. They’re a dime among the pigeons. The Moon and Mars fly the flag for peace, while Venus and Neptune provide compassion. Ask what you can do to improve the planet without tapping a tambourine with your hip. Look to fellow Librans - Ghandi and Simon Cowell - for inspiration.
Libra superfoods: celery, corn, spinach

Creativity peaks for many Scorpions between 5 April and 3 May, thanks to the artistic force that is Venus. You’ll be bursting with ideas for zine creation. Get excited and share your passions with kindred spirits. This transit demands that you quit your usual scheming and scamming and have some fun for a change. Oh, I forgot; scheming and scamming is your idea of fun. Silly me!
Scorpio superfoods: rhubarb, kale, liver

Between 17 and 24 April, values surrounding money and how it’s distributed amongst family will weigh heavily on your mind like Gina Reinhart on a ski lift. The days of frozen TV dinners stuck to the kitchen ceiling are over now that Venus is adding her personal touch to your seedy share house. Expect an interesting twist to your love life between 2 and 14 April when you’re greeted by your concubine with a Chinese burn. Despite the discomfort, you go about your business with the zest of an orange. Avoid spray tans.
Sagittarius superfoods: red cabbage, parsnips, oats

There is change on the domestic front for the Goat between 2 and 14 April. You are drawn to the Vortex hot spots of Sedona, Montserrat, and Rooty Hill RSL. The New Moon on 28 April sparks a creative surge. Traditional art techniques are resurrected as you ditch the Modbook Pro for a Goat Hair Mop 3/4. Relationships will have an exaggerated but transformative quality between 17 and 24 April, thanks to the Pluto-Jupiter tango and some seriously sexy Bomba rhythms.
Capricorn superfoods: cheese, prunes, rye

‘Abundance’ is the keyword under the Venus transit between 5 April and 3 May. The hot action money date is 12 April when you hit the local TAB and blow two weeks’ pay. You’ll want to lounge around your abode more than usual under the New Moon of 28 April. Get you living space sorted by weeding, cleaning, and purifying it. You may not believe it, but undertaking housework is an act of magic. Ask any witch.
Aquarius superfoods: barley, apples, figs

You’ll be at home in your watery element when Venus and Neptune occupy Pisces from 5 April. Immerse yourself in the ocean and reconnect with your cosmic environment. April is the month for self-care, so be gentle with yourself. Financial matters are emphasised on 15 April. Cluey detective work unearths hidden capital lodged inside your Converse Chuck Taylors. I love it when the Universe solves those perplexing money mysteries.
Pisces superfoods: bilberries, cucumbers, dates